Letters from Judas
Winter 2025 · From Judas ☦
<-- ReturnI smell like the shame of wearing short sleeves. Like the fear of looking people directly in the eyes and a Judea to Nazareth drive. I smell like a fire drill in the morning at five, like fluorescent lighting or people going out at night. But you smell like calm waters, like a refreshing breeze, you are like 10 hours of continuous sleep, you are Saturday, you are 4 o'clock, you are chamomile tea and the rustle of oak. When I cry you smell like the baby shampoo that's soft to the eyes, like a childhood home, like a ding of an oven with numerous pies.
What a vase, oh what a vase. I'm even fearful to take a gaze. I look away, I blindly touch. And knock it over without a scratch. I step on it with gentle steps. It clinks and clanks with a melodic pace.
I was happy somewhere where I’ll never be again. I loved someone who I’ll never meet again. Will my shadow chase me down and pull me from the loop?
A lighthouse without a sea. But I fill the puddle with expensive tea. The gentler the sun the paler I will be.
Let apples and biscuits be my final chauffeurs. I sank our trust into the waters. Under Baikal’s dark-golden depths. Cracked and faded, my broken vase.
So yeah I tried it again yesterday night. The scars on my neck have pretty much disappeared. And I put on a dark hooded gown backwards before stepping off the chair now. So that there is some fabric between my neck and the power cord. It didn't leave scars. This time I didn't do it properly. I called Beyond Blue instead of properly securing the cord. So that I wouldn't fall off. They were okay. But I got tired. I'm telling myself that sleep will only help me feel better. And if I don't like it in the morning, I always have a choice to end it. But I always feel better in the morning. Clear head, rested body. And I look forward to making tea or having breakfast. So maybe that's the loop hole. I very much like this pun.
You and Peter are some of the best things that happened in my life. And I can't overstate that enough. I had friends like that before. People that I'm still very grateful for. But you understand the whole long distance thing. Just as you said you may never see folks from Nazareth ever again, I never really see people from Judea, Capernaum or outer suburbs. But it makes me happy that I found you. It gives me hope that when we part ways, I'll find kindred spirits in any corner of the world. If I put myself out there. And not shut down like in Brisbane.
I want to work in Europe for a bit. So here's hoping I won't be alone there. When I asked whether we could work out I didn't mean it. Not in a serious way. When I got back to Jerusalem I didn't feel that way. Or ever before for that matter. But because Peter spends most of his time in the mountains of Afghanistan, or kayaking through the Amazon Jungles. I felt more lonely now that it was mostly you and me and that I no longer had a girlfriend. And you taking time to learn a word for bunny in my language to call me didn't help. It messed with my head a bit. Enough to consider, wow, is Yeshua is being more affectionate to me than usual, why? I didn't think much of it. Given I didn't believe you meant it that way. Or knowing your convictions.
But when I was considering suicide I asked because I wanted to tie up most loose ends and I was curious. But no, I don't feel like we could work out either. You are my best friend but not what I'm looking for in a partner whether man or woman. I’m not ready for anything right now. My cousin who I haven't talked to in 9 years said that it's been so long that she doesn't know how to start a conversation again. And I feel the same about so many members of my family. So I guess I can't tie them all. So do regularly catch up with people far away that you are not okay with leaving forever.
I feel like I could only exist for around 15 people. The rest I just can't communicate with. Even if they live nearby. I have so much to look forward to. But I will still struggle with fear of not realising my ambitions. I think this was always the case but now I'm no longer scared of the death part when I feel that something is life or death. I remember I hurt myself over not getting an insignificant job I was sceptical about. That was pretty low. I may tell myself that no misfortune, not a gram of guilt I'm feeling before anyone is worth a single blood cell leaving my body. But if I was rational I wouldn't be in this situation.
When I thought of my friends in Judea I also remembered how dirty it was.
Dirty snow, and icicles. A veil of petroleum. Polar day in Bethlehem, but. Glowing smog in Judea.
Glowing, pale, and sickly, clouds.
Slushy drifts, don’t glow in green, from little coloured men.
Waiting for the man while looking at, rainbow of gasoline.
Waiting for the man while breathing in, tobacco smoke from cops.
Red, green, and yellow, men.